It seems I find myself once again amazed at the way God does things. You know, when you love something so much, you will do anything for it. I have found that out with my family. I have also found that out with my life. Ministry is a funny thing. When you read about Samuel and how he was under Eli. It says he "ministered"... which means served.
Ministry for some is an undefined monster. No matter how much you love it... it always seems a little too much. For some, ministry is like a new child. It brings joy, brings challenges but never enough to regret its presence in your life. For me... ministry became something that I allowed to serve me. I wondered when all my sacrifice was gonna pay off. I would say "I am tired of all the sacrifice and nothing in return"... thus my resentment. I found myself adding my wife in there as well. My responsibility to what God had called me to grew dim to a vacuum of selfishness that was a difficult void to fill. When you hear the phrase "you don't know what you got til it's gone" is underestimated. Why? Because for some, including myself... I acquired amnesia. I "didn't know" what I had. I was lost. I was beyond saving. Then, when it is gone you begin to reach for things... that are no longer there. You try to cling to areas... that no longer exist. I say all of this because of where we are.
Through the stupid illustration of a kids cartoon movie "Kung Fu Panda" to be exact... I heard a profound statement from a turtle kung fu master :) "You can not change the past... and the future is a mystery... but you do have a gift called now that you can change...that's why they call it the Present" Even April said "OK... wow" Those words already confirming what I have been feeling. The only thing I have the ability to change... is now.
I heard this next statement so many times in this season in my life..Ministry should never be a destination but an outcome. When I first heard those words it confused me. Ministry is a destination to those who love it, would die for it and know it is there lively hood. I resented that statement, especially hearing it from people in ministry... doing what they love and actively involved in their calling. It's like someone telling you while you are in a financially stressful season in your life "eh...money is overrated"...but then, I began to understand.
It is not about doing what you love. It is about doing... for the One you love. Ministry is an outcome of your relationship with Him. That is what gets lost in the mix of ministry. Every aspect of ministry is an outcome of your relationship with Him. To some... this sounds almost elementary, but to others who have a ministry that seems to grow faster than you can... you understand. Ministry becomes your responsibility due to your role all the while forgetting the way, reason and source of how and why you got there. So I say all of this as a confession. I am going to strive to do and become for the One who called me, loves me and gave His life for me. That is the only way I can make it.
It is a Present... because if I can't handle my now? How can I handle my next?